Be happier, be healthier in new year via TV...

Written by By Jim Heffernan for the DuluthNewsTribune:1-04-25

I only adopted one New Year’s resolution this year. It is a vow to get healthier. Not that I’m unhealthy now, according to my personal physician, Dr. B.P “Sawbones” Quack, but I’m getting along in years so I figure I’d be well advised to undertake every healthful practice possible — short of eating vegetables an exercising — to avoid involvement of an actual undertaker.

 

So, I have resolved to take more of the medicines they advertise on late-night television. I do much of my TV viewing in the later hours after the 10 o’clock news: Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, etc. Then there’s CNN and MSNBC (oh-oh, my politics are showing). These programs feature lots of commercials for nostrums (look that word up; it’s broader than you think) to address various health problems, many of which I have never heard — neither the nostrums nor the health problems they address.

 

I guess I am aware of the subject of one ubiquitous commercial — the heartbreak of psoriasis. I once knew a guy who had the skin problem, but it must be a far greater problem in America than I had ever surmised. Remedies for psoriasis are on TV commercial breaks every night sounding like it is some national concern like a dreaded pandemic or a presidential election. Jeez, it might be a heartbreak, but it’s not…um…not debilitating or anything. I’m sure the good Dr. Sawbones Quack would agree.

 

There are others too — far too numerous to mention. I sit through these commercials, eyes glazing over, barely paying attention. But what gets my attention are the disclaimers at the end of them — all of them. They start out telling about their wonders and then, before signing off, a voice warns of the various horrible things that could happen to you if you take the advertised product.

 

Let me give a fictitious example: Say the commercial is advertising a medicine to combat corns. You know, those pesky little growths on the toe that can be so bothersome and actually painful at times.

 

Here goes: “Forget old-time corn plasters,” the commercial might begin, “get new CornBgone for immediate relief. Just one pill a day and your corns will disappear in a few weeks. Call 1-800-123 4567 and a 30-day supply of CornBgone will be delivered to your door in a few days in an unmarked package so your neighbors will never know you suffer the chagrin of painful, unsightly corns on your toes.”

 

OK, that’s the pitch. Then come the warnings: “Do not take CornBgone if you also have hangnails or athlete’s foot. Call your veterinarian if you notice symptoms of bird-flu-causing whooping crane cough, suffer swine flu over the cuckoo’s nest or hallucinate that you are a bull in a china shop coming down with hoof and mouth disease.

 

“Beware of a musky body odor when taking CornBgone. Consult your dermatologist if this odor persists and avoid public locker rooms and nudist colonies. Finally, CornBgone has also been identified as a possible cause of bubonic plague and leprosy in adults, children and gorillas. If leprosy symptoms persist check your Bible and avoid zoos.”

 

You get the idea. These dire warnings viewed late at night can cause sleeplessness, which, of course, can be addressed by another TV commercial:

 

“Having difficulty falling asleep? Take Sleep Like a Log, the amazing new sleep aid that millions of Americans are using when trying to slumber and only wakefulness persists. One dose before retiring and you will sleep like a log…” and so on and so forth.

 

“Warning: Sleep Like a Log could cause the user to never wake up, a rare condition called ‘death.’ ”

 

Yikes! On second thought I think I’ll retract that New Year’s resolution.

 

Hey, happy (and healthy) new year! (Oops, I just blew two of the six exclamation points I’m allowed each year.)

 

Jim Heffernan is a former Duluth News Tribune news and opinion writer and continues as a columnist. He can be reached at jimheffernan@jimheffernan.org and maintains a blog at www.jimheffernan.org. 

What to eat, and not eat, during the hoidays...

My sylta, enjoyed by dipping
 chunks in a bowl of white vinegar

Written by Jim Heffernan for the DuluthNewsTribune 12/7/24

Here they are, the holidays. They mean so much to so many people with fond memories of Christmases past as they anticipate Christmas present (and presents).

Food is a big part of holiday celebrations. There are so many dishes that are exclusive to the holidays, many of them reflecting the ethnic backgrounds of the participants.

That’s the case with me, for sure. A significant part of my ethnic heritage is Swedish, on my mother’s side, and she always prepared some foods associated with the home country of her parents.

Of course, the mind immediately turns to fabled lutefisk at times like this. We had it every holiday season, but not on Christmas itself. She wouldn’t dare. Roast turkey was the main menu item on Christmas in our home just as it was and is in many others.

I’m not going to visit lutefisk today; it gets so much ridicule each year I think people are getting as tired of hearing about it as they are of eating it. Codfish soaked in lye are not my idea of edible repast.

Then there’s “fruitcake,” baked and served in my growing-up home. I hate to use the word abominable to describe it because it’s an effort to spell, but there it is. You can interpret the expression “nutty as a fruitcake” as you choose. And don’t get me started on “lefse” or “kaldolmar” (cabbage rolls). Don’t worry. 

No, today I am going to address something the Swedes (Norwegians too) call sylta. (Warning: Never name a newborn girl Sylta.)

The real “Scandahoovian” aficionados call sylta “head cheese.” This is because REAL sylta, old country sylta, was made from parts of calves, pigs and sheep that cannot be made into ribs, chops or roasts but the early “cooks” didn’t want any part of the late animal to go to waste.

The solution: Use parts of the head. (Are you getting hungry yet?) As a youngster being taught the “facts” of life I thought that among these parts of the animals’ heads meant what is loosely called the “brain.” In fact, I believed that until recently. But research has shown that the brain was usually not involved when preparing sylta, AKA head cheese.

What a relief. But research has also shown that parts of the head in early sylta vary, with one source saying this might include tongue but not eyes or ears. Yippee! Hold it. Tongue? Hmmm.

Well anyway, apparently they mix it all together, throw in copious amounts of gelatin, onions and other culinary detritus, form loaves and call it sylta.

Now on to the important part of this narrative: Many of our Duluth grocery stores sell sylta at this time of the year. But do not despair, it contains no parts of the head. The sylta I bought recently simply lists “pork, water, gelatin, onions, celery, salt, all-spice and white pepper.” And I love it.

Actually the “inspiration” for visiting this subject today was a recent encounter with a check-out person at one of our fine supermarkets. Among my purchases was a small brick of sylta, and as the worker checked it though the scanner, he looked me in the eye and asked, “What is sylta?”

I was surprised that anyone in this part of the country had never even heard of sylta. One time in the past, as I was checking out some sylta in the store, the clerk took one look at it and said “yuck.”

In the recent encounter, I answered the check-out clerk in the briefest possible way by simply saying, “It’s a Scandinavian holiday delicacy,” He nodded and went on with his business.

I didn’t mention to him that it’s also known as head cheese. I didn’t include reputed ingredients of the past like maybe brains, but not eyes, ears and tongue. There is also mention of “feet” in some descriptions but I don’t know if I believe that. Feet are a long way from the head, we all know.

For the record, I love modern sylta sold in stores. Cheese-size slices soaked in white vinegar and served aboard a cracker are a rare delicacy only at holiday time. Enjoy or yuck, depending on your preference.

Well, this is my final column of 2024, so I wish readers a happy (even merry) holiday (as they say in Sweden, “God Jul”) and extend best wishes for 2025. I’ll be back in January, hoping for the best.

Jim Heffernan is a former Duluth News Tribune news and opinion writer and continues as a columnist. He can be reached at jimheffernan@jimheffernan.org and maintains a blog at www.jimheffernan.org.