Saturday, November 1, 2025

How I missed reciting vows throughout my entire life...

Written by Jim Heffernan for the DuluthNewTribune/11-01-25

It seems like you see a lot of public officials being sworn in to various high-level offices on TV these days. Most of it occurs in Washington, D.C.: Presidents, congresspeople, cabinet members, court witnesses, others swearing to do this and that to uphold the Constitution or seek justice.

 

It always gives me pause when I view a swearing in or other vows being recited because I missed out on much of that in life. All of those important moments with the one hand raised, the other on a Bible (sometimes), or reciting traditional vows standing before a clergyman at a wedding to sanctify a marriage.

 

Let me explain, largely in chronological order. I don’t recall if I was sworn into the Boy Scouts, pledging on my honor to do my best to do my duty to God and my country and so on and so forth. I might have made it to that one, but nothing since.

 

When I reached military draft age, after passing the Army physical with flying colors in spite of being stone deaf in one ear but not having bone spurs, I scurried down to the old Duluth National Guard Armory, where Bob Dylan once attended a concert, and joined the Minnesota Army National Guard in order to avoid being drafted and having to serve two years of active duty.

 

After they signed me and several other draft-dodgers up, they apparently assembled them all for the big swearing in. I don’t know where I was but when it came time to raise right hands (no Bibles though) to solemnly swear to support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies foreign and domestic and so on and so forth, I must have been in the can (a.k.a. latrine in Army parlance) or somewhere else in the Armory.

 

So I missed being sworn in to military service but they took me anyway. About the time my service obligation ended, some six years later, I got married. The wedding vows are the most important a person can take, but I missed them too. At my wedding!

 

What? How could that be? Let me start at the beginning. I was raised in the then Swedish branch of the Lutheran Church (there were several ethnically oriented Lutheran branches in those days, even Norwegian and German, right here in Duluth). But by the time I came along, services were in English, thank heaven. (Where else?)

 

As a child I had witnessed the wedding vows being taken more than most kids did because my mother was the organist of our church and sometimes I had to attend weddings with her.

 

I heard them often.  Preacher: “Do you (groom’s name) take (bride’s name) as your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death you do part?”

 

Groom: “I do…yup I do, by yumpin by yimminy I do.” (As I said, this was the Swedish branch of the Lutheran church.)

 

However, I wasn’t married in the Swedish Lutheran church. The wedding was in a Greek Orthodox Church, the faith of my bride.

 

This all took place more than 50 years ago, when the Greek service contained mostly the Greek language, which was Greek to me. But in rehearsal, we asked the priest if he would include the traditional wedding vows in English, and he agreed.

 

So we had the lengthy service, which shortly before had been described in news coverage of the wedding of Jackie Kennedy and Aristotle Onassis, but no promised English vows. When it was over we asked the priest what happened to the traditional vows. “I forgot,” he said reverently.

 

But we nevertheless felt very married, and still are these nearly 57 years later with two kids and six grandkids to show for it,

 

Of course, I’m at an age now where the traditional rites “ashes to ashes, dust to dust” loom pretty large. I wouldn’t mind missing them, too.

 

Come to think of it, I will.  

 

Jim Heffernan is a former Duluth News Tribune news and opinion writer and continues as a columnist. He can be reached at jimheffernan@jimheffernan.org and maintains a blog at www.jimheffernan.org.

Saturday, October 4, 2025

A COVID shot in the long arm of the law...

 

Covid Vaccine–Getty Images
Written by Jim Heffernan for the DuluthNewsTribune/ October 4, 2025

I used to be a pretty good law-abiding citizen but now I feel like a fugitive.

Oh, I’ve had my brushes with the law. A couple of speeding tickets, that sort of thing. I once stole a grape from a store display of berries and such but I didn’t get caught. I popped it into my mouth. I was in junior high at the time.


I’ve managed to stay out of the hoosegow all these years and we’re talking about a lot of years. So, it’s kind of surprising to become a possible fugitive at this stage of my so-called life. Not here in Minnesota, but elsewhere where what I did seems to be against the law. What if I travel? To Florida, the Moonshine State? Oops, sorry…Sunshine State.

 

So even after reading all the news about vaccinations, I admit I sneaked into a pharmacy when no one was looking and the fuzz wasn’t around so I wouldn’t be observed and get caught. I was intent on committing what seems now to be a crime in some places by getting a shot…a COVID shot. Yikes! The way some of the politicians are talking in some places a COVID shot would be a major offense punishable by who-knows-what.

 

So, after a nice nurse poked my arm and slipped the juice to me (Bruce?) I slunk out of the drug store wondering if “slunk” is proper English usage and covering the bandage on my upper arm with a loose sleeve. Glancing around, I felt like a lonely little petunia in an onion patch.

 

I made it, but after committing an offense like that, you can’t just act like things are normal. You log onto the on-line newspaper and half of the headlines warn the reader that the big cheeses in government are fighting over COVID vaccines, certain “woke” politicians being all for them, and red state politicos following the lead of the United States Secretary of “Health” and Human Services who are showing no mercy about COVID shots. (The quotation marks are mine.)

 

His uncle was once president of the United States; my uncle was named Wiggily. You might remember Uncle Wiggily. Very well known. He and his friend Piggily shortened their names and founded a grocery store chain. But I digress.

 

I confess I must be woke when it comes to getting vaccinated for all things, including mumps, measles, chicken pox, diphtheria, polio and anything else. I’ve had vaccinations for ‘em all. I remember back in the day when you could openly seek such treatment without having to worry about you or the doc being prosecuted. But you might have to worry about spelling diphtheria.

 

Reflecting as I contemplated the situation, I recalled my U.S. Army days when they’d line you up in some makeshift medical facility and herd you through a double row of low-ranking medics, about three on each side, each wielding a medical shot gun for various military diseases. As you moved through the line, you’d get shot in each arm several times. The Army didn’t bother with needles; they’d shoot you.

 

This was the most harrowing action I ever saw in the military (except for the haircuts). Some soldiers fainted in line before getting the shots and had to be hauled away. I did not faint. I was too scared to faint; they might put you on K.P. when you came to.

 

Meanwhile, back to the present. I’ve started to venture out with my COVID shot coursing through my body, the shot ready at a moment’s notice to go to war against that consarned virus that shut down the country for some five years. (I know consarned is not a real cuss word, but it works so well you could say it in church and not be condemned to h-e-double toothpicks.)

 

But I know many, many people are wary of COVID shots and won’t get them. Research shows that two out of three stooges are against them. While I respect them greatly, I have never taken medical advice from Moe, Larry, Curly or Shemp. (That’s four. They couldn’t count. Stooges are notoriously poor at head counting but great at face slapping.)

 

So now I feel like a prospective fugitive for the first time in what can only be described as my long life. Hey, maybe I made it this long because of all the medicine injections I’ve had over the years. Heck, I’ve even had the shingles shot, even though our roof seems fine. As they incessantly holler on ubiquitous TV commercials, “shingles doesn’t care!”

 

Today (Oct. 4) is my birthday, and I am still with us. I know shingles doesn’t care, but I do.

 

Jim Heffernan is a former Duluth News Tribune news and opinion writer and continues as a columnist. He can be reached at jimheffernan@jimheffernan.org and maintains a blog at www.jimheffernan.org.