Travel travails of a registered dreamer from Duluth

  

Written by Jim Heffernan/DulthNewsTribune/08-01-2026

So, President Trump is putting his portrait on American passports now, according to media reports. Sorry Donald J., I beat you to it. I have my picture on one passport — mine. And like every picture of me ever taken, it’s not very good. Cameras hate me.

Traffic cops recoil in horror as they look at my driver’s license photo when I get picked up for speeding or other crimes and misdemeanors. But let’s move on.

I have had several interesting experiences with my passport over the years, including the first time I applied for it, a process I described here many years ago but bears repeating — just for laughs. 

We were planning our first trip to Europe so I went to the Duluth Post Office to go through the passport paces. 

Most importantly, you must prove that you are who you say you are. At the time they seemed to prefer birth certificates, so I had to go to the St. Louis County Courthouse here in Duluth to get mine. 

So up to the Civic Center courthouse I dashed, found my way to the proper desk and asked for a copy of my birth certificate. No problem; the friendly clerk located it and made a copy.

But looking it over, my birth was registered without my first name. It said Baby Boy Heffernan. I had always thought my parents, should they get a boy, were going to name me James the whole time they were expecting me. It’s an old family given name, including that of my paternal grandfather. It’s in the Bible. It’s the NAME of the English version of the Bible.

Nope, “Baby Boy” on my birth certificate. That’s in the Bible too, in Bethlehem, but not good enough for the passport people, although it could come in handy at the Pearly Gates. I had to prove I was me in some other way, they told me. Old school report cards would be okay, they suggested.

Well, I dug some up in the family archives. I found a couple from my elementary school years at Lincoln School in what was then called the West End.

I brought the report card to the passport police and it was sufficient to qualify me for a United States passport, although it was humiliating at the same time. On the old report card, in notes to my parents, the teacher had written that I was a “dreamer” and stared out the window when I should have been buckling down. No wonder I never mastered the multiplication table. 

Still, I qualified for the passport in spite of being a dreamer, and off we went to Europe a while later on a trip to see it.

Most of the border stops were routine, with officials in uniform glancing at the passport, stamping it and signaling to move on.  I have been to Europe a few more times since then, always with my passport in my pocket and experiencing different reactions in different countries. Border agents in St. Petersburg, Russia, seemed awfully stern. I must look like a spy, too.

After all of that travel across the pond, my most challenging experience with my passport was on a trip to Canada a few years ago — before the recent difficulties between the U.S. and Canada. We had shot up to International Falls on a brief car trip and decided to go over to Fort Frances, Ontario.

We had brought our passports for the trip to cross an international border and routinely passed into Canada. It was on the way back to Minnesota that we encountered the most difficult border crossing I had ever experienced, including in Russia and other European destinations.

Rolling back into Minnesota, U.S. border agents ordered us out of the car as we proffered our passports. Then they ordered us to open the car’s trunk so they could inspect our luggage. Finding nothing suspicious, they let us back into our home state., a state we had lived in all our lives.

Maybe if we’d had Trump’s picture on the passport, we’d have fared better. Trouble is he wasn’t president at the time, so it was Biden’s fault. Hmm…that has a familiar ring to it. 

Jim Heffernan is a former Duluth News Tribune news and opinion writer and continues as a columnist. He can be reached at jimheffernan@jimheffernan.org and maintains a blog at www.jimheffernan.org.

  

Local Satire: Trump eyes Isle Royale for defense, monuments...

Written By Jim Heffernan as local satire, appearing on the opinion page of TheDuluthNewsTribune/7-24-26

I was feeling drowsy as I leaned back in the recliner watching CNN news as a serious-looking correspondent announced that President Trump has renewed his drive for the United States to take over the island of Greenland.

 

The newscast was going on and on about the issue as I slipped into a slumber, right there in the recliner with the TV blaring about Trump, Greenland and Denmark…zzz…zzz.

 

As I dozed, I had an unusual dream (they’re all unusual). I dreamt that, along with wanting Greenland, Trump was seeking to take over Isle Royale in Lake Superior, although it is already part of America.

 

“Isle Royale is too close to Canada to avoid invasion from that hostile country,” the president declared, referring to our northern neighbor that was once our closest ally, and adding that the U.S. must arm Isle Royale.

 

Trump also pointed out that Isle Royale is actually part of Michigan, “which makes no sense at all.” He said Michiganders don’t appreciate Isle Royale as much as they should with “that goofy gander governor Gretchen.” He was referring to Gov. Gretchen Wittmer, a Democrat.

 

My dream went on with Trump declaring that, “We’ve got to change the name of Isle Royale. What’s with this Royale business? We’re not a kingdom with royalty running the country, although we probably should with me as king.” He did not suggest a new name although aides indicated he might favor Redland.

 

In my dream — even as CNN continued with real news in the background — Trump asserted that “we should build a bridge connecting the island to Minnesota. Now people have to get there by boat. We need to build a bridge so people can drive over there and see the wolves and moose in action,” he went on. “They have ducks and geese too, don’t they?

 

“At the end of the bridge, which would only cost several hundred million dollars, we should build an arch to greet visitors,” the president continued. He suggested it be shaped like a huge tree but taller — around 200 feet high. “It would have a wide opening at the bottom visitors could drive their cars through like those redwoods in California.”

 

He suggested it should be called the Arc de Treetop. “Or maybe Trumptop.”

 

Asked if the huge bridge and monument might diminish the wilderness nature of the island, Trump retorted with a question: “Where’s the money in wilderness?”

 

He suggested that a huge hotel be built on the island to accommodate visitors who “don’t want to sleep on the ground in tents. Who does that anyway? A bunch of democrat environmental cases,” he remarked, answering his own question.

 

As I slept on, more news unfolded on the TV that I somehow absorbed even though I was slumbering but started to regain wakefulness. They were reporting something about the new Air Force One and in my dream, I was on the plane with members of the news media who always travel with the president.

 

A reporter asked him about acquiring Greenland and he said that, yes, the United States had to have Greenland to protect the country from China and Russia, but that we also must arm Isle Royale to protect the nation from Canada.

 

“We’ll build an airport up there well stocked with fighter aircraft,” he asserted.

 

“What about the moose and wolves?” asked a reporter.

 

“I don’t know about moose, but I’m very familiar with wolves,” he said. “Ever hear of Jeffrey Epstein?”

 

Then suddenly I was awakened by the sound of thunder outside the house, with tornado-like wind, rain pouring down flooding a nearby creek and tennis ball size hail bouncing off the roof. What a relief.

 

Jim Heffernan is a former Duluth News Tribune news and opinion writer and continues as a columnist. He can be reached at jimheffernan@jimheffernan.org and maintains a blog at www.jimheffernan.org.