Here’s some good news you won’t find in the mainstream
media – just in time for the holidays.
DATELINE HELL -- Officials here announced today that the
devil has gone missing. “Our ruler disappeared from his golden throne the day
after Thanksgiving and hasn’t been heard from since,” a Hades spokesman stated
in a terse message. He denied the disappearance had anything to do with Black
Friday, a perennial favorite of the prince of darkness.
Christians and others around the planet, together with
multitudes already in heaven, were jubilant, although U.S. church authorities
urged caution before jumping to the conclusion that the devil is dead. “Without
the devil, of course, there would be no need for the churches,” said a retired
Episcopal bishop who asked not to be identified by name for fear of being
struck down.
Nevertheless, Pope Benedict XVI said Catholics should
celebrate the news in Christmas masses, and veteran protestant evangelist Billy
Graham issued a statement from his hospital bed expressing hope that reports of
the devil’s demise are true. “If they are, I’ve finally won,” Graham exuded.
President Obama spoke briefly from the Rose Garden, saying,
“First we got Osama bin Ladin and now I am pleased to learn that Satan might
also be eliminated.” Obama faces a tough election next year.
The surprising news had the effect of shaking leading
Republican candidates for president, catching them off guard. Former
Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, a devout member of the Church of Jesus Christ
of Latter Day Saints, said he wouldn’t be surprised to learn the devil had
taken up residence in the White House, “where he has often been a guest.”
Former House speaker Newt Gingrich, who has been rising in
the polls, said on Fox News, “Beelzebub is a wily character who throughout
history has been known to show up at various times and various places outside
of his home base. I know him well, and he’ll be back.”
In a statement from the Netherworld, where he has resided
since his death in 1972, former FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover said his agents
know exactly where he is. “The devil is in the details,” said the disgraced
ex-top cop.
Film at 10.
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