Things to do while Trump’s in town...

By Jim Heffernan

Many Duluthians and other area residents who do not support President Donald Trump are not pleased that he is holding a political rally in Duluth on Wednesday, June 20. I am among them.

I initially decided to simply ignore the event, but that will be hard to do due to the intense media coverage of the rally. So simply ignoring it will be impossible.

I have come up with the following list of more pleasant things to do during the rally for those who simply can’t stomach the visit.

• Haul a load of garbage to the area landfill.
• Buckle down and begin working on next year’s taxes by listing itemized deductions so far this year.
• Set about cleaning the oven in the kitchen stove by hand scrubbing, positioning yourself on your knees.
• Search your lawn for weed growth, removing any incipient infestations with a metal-pronged tool and depositing the residue in a compost heap you can start in the next recommended item.
• Put aside long-standing delays by starting that fun compost heap that you’ve been intending to establish for potato peelings, eggshells and other items, such as lawn weeds.
• Paint something — anything in the house like a kitchen or bathroom using oil-based paint for difficult, messy cleanup.
• Visit a dentist and have him or her yank those crooked teeth to make way for an improved smile.
• View a video of an opera. Any opera. (Actual opera lovers are exempt from this recommendation.) Warning: Do not include “Nixon in China” by John Adams (not THAT John Adams).
• Discover Duluth’s out-of-the-way attractions and historic sites such as the site of the former sludge pond near a one-time slaughterhouse on Oneota Street, or the dump in Gary-New Duluth where construction debris is deposited.
• Eschew former inhibitions and go ahead and build a birdhouse in the garage.
• Brush up on your Shakespeare.
• Visit a proctologist to discuss upping the rate of your colonoscopies.

These are just a few suggestions for ways to stay happy and contented during the Trump visit. Be creative and come up with ideas of your own, such as crawling into bed and assuming the fetal position with your thumb in your mouth. Close eyes.