I only adopted one New Year’s resolution this year. It is a vow to get healthier. Not that I’m unhealthy now, according to my personal physician, Dr. B.P “Sawbones” Quack, but I’m getting along in years so I figure I’d be well advised to undertake every healthful practice possible — short of eating vegetables an exercising — to avoid involvement of an actual undertaker.
So, I have resolved to take more of the medicines they advertise on late-night television. I do much of my TV viewing in the later hours after the 10 o’clock news: Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, etc. Then there’s CNN and MSNBC (oh-oh, my politics are showing). These programs feature lots of commercials for nostrums (look that word up; it’s broader than you think) to address various health problems, many of which I have never heard — neither the nostrums nor the health problems they address.
I guess I am aware of the subject of one ubiquitous commercial — the heartbreak of psoriasis. I once knew a guy who had the skin problem, but it must be a far greater problem in America than I had ever surmised. Remedies for psoriasis are on TV commercial breaks every night sounding like it is some national concern like a dreaded pandemic or a presidential election. Jeez, it might be a heartbreak, but it’s not…um…not debilitating or anything. I’m sure the good Dr. Sawbones Quack would agree.
There are others too — far too numerous to mention. I sit through these commercials, eyes glazing over, barely paying attention. But what gets my attention are the disclaimers at the end of them — all of them. They start out telling about their wonders and then, before signing off, a voice warns of the various horrible things that could happen to you if you take the advertised product.
Let me give a fictitious example: Say the commercial is advertising a medicine to combat corns. You know, those pesky little growths on the toe that can be so bothersome and actually painful at times.
Here goes: “Forget old-time corn plasters,” the commercial might begin, “get new CornBgone for immediate relief. Just one pill a day and your corns will disappear in a few weeks. Call 1-800-123 4567 and a 30-day supply of CornBgone will be delivered to your door in a few days in an unmarked package so your neighbors will never know you suffer the chagrin of painful, unsightly corns on your toes.”
OK, that’s the pitch. Then come the warnings: “Do not take CornBgone if you also have hangnails or athlete’s foot. Call your veterinarian if you notice symptoms of bird-flu-causing whooping crane cough, suffer swine flu over the cuckoo’s nest or hallucinate that you are a bull in a china shop coming down with hoof and mouth disease.
“Beware of a musky body odor when taking CornBgone. Consult your dermatologist if this odor persists and avoid public locker rooms and nudist colonies. Finally, CornBgone has also been identified as a possible cause of bubonic plague and leprosy in adults, children and gorillas. If leprosy symptoms persist check your Bible and avoid zoos.”
You get the idea. These dire warnings viewed late at night can cause sleeplessness, which, of course, can be addressed by another TV commercial:
“Having difficulty falling asleep? Take Sleep Like a Log, the amazing new sleep aid that millions of Americans are using when trying to slumber and only wakefulness persists. One dose before retiring and you will sleep like a log…” and so on and so forth.
“Warning: Sleep Like a Log could cause the user to never wake up, a rare condition called ‘death.’ ”
Yikes! On second thought I think I’ll retract that New Year’s resolution.
Hey, happy (and healthy) new year! (Oops, I just blew two of the six exclamation points I’m allowed each year.)
Jim Heffernan is a former Duluth News Tribune news and opinion writer and continues as a columnist. He can be reached at jimheffernan@jimheffernan.org and maintains a blog at www.jimheffernan.org.
